Well I've never reviewed a video game before and probably won't again. I have no idea what goes in to making a game and don't really like the people that do (that's not true I love errybody). Regardless of my insecurities, I'm glad those wizards are in the world to bring us these little portals into consequence-free realities that stop us from mowing the lawn or talking to loved ones.
GTA 5 is about 1.8 billion years in the making and had a budget of half a trillion dollars, so of course its the best game ever made. Review over. The game is set in Los Angeles (renamed Los Santos), where you play as one of three characters. One of these characters is African American, but thankfully you can choose to be a white guy. I sincerely don't mean this in a racist way (well its a bit racist I guess), but playing as a character that doesn't look like my pasty white self kind of spoils the fantasy. I want to pretend that its me in there. I have similar opinions on pornography.
The story, is about criminals wanting to make money, believe it or not. I'm about 0.0001% through the game so thats all I can surmise. And we're not playing Grand Theft Auto for the delicate prose anyway. I like how all 'sandbox' games, as in games where you are free to roam around the world doing as you please, are all centred around stealing cars and being a rampant murderer. You are free to do anything you want, go travelling, meet a lady, whatever you like. So naturally, everyone who plays immediately carjacks the nearest senior citizen and squashes their skull under the wheels. Saying that video games cause people to act violently is like saying socks cause people to have feet (I'm looking at my socks if you can't tell). We evolved from/still are blood thirsty primates, we just wear shoes and socks and manage not to rip people's faces off and eat them most of the time. Until we play Grand Theft Auto.
However Rockstar like to pretend this is not the case. The very first mission is full of shooting and blood, however the consequent missions are another story. So far I've driven a tow truck (for towing purposes), been told to get a haircut, been invited to watch TV with my aunt and other activities that are dangerously close to resembling real life. I'm sure things will get satisfyingly violent soon enough but for now it feels like I'm playing the Sims. When my character (or actual self) hangs himself from a ceiling fan or gets killed in a grease fire I'll know I'm playing the Sims. I really hate the Sims.
I'm pretty sure this will be the last GTA in this format. Here are my predictions for the next GTA.
- It will involve some incarnation of VR hardware, such as the Oculus Rift / Omni Treadmill.
- The map / world will be a snapshot of the real world, taken from the next Google / NSA all seeing eye camera.
- This will be the last GTA, or possibly last game ever, because no one will stop playing it as long as our feeding tubes are in and our mechanical overlords are satisfied with their new power source.
Speaking of simulated realities, have you heard of Simulation Theory? The idea is that because we will eventually make a simulated reality that is indiscernible from actual reality, it is much more likely that we are in one of the infinite amount of simulations as opposed to the only one actual reality. So maybe we are the imagination of a futuristic race that explored the universe to its full extent, got bored and wiped its memory then reincarnated itself in a simulation for its cosmic entertainment. Oh wait I was doing a video game review right? Yeah GTA 5 is great, what did you expect?
GTA 5 is about 1.8 billion years in the making and had a budget of half a trillion dollars, so of course its the best game ever made. Review over. The game is set in Los Angeles (renamed Los Santos), where you play as one of three characters. One of these characters is African American, but thankfully you can choose to be a white guy. I sincerely don't mean this in a racist way (well its a bit racist I guess), but playing as a character that doesn't look like my pasty white self kind of spoils the fantasy. I want to pretend that its me in there. I have similar opinions on pornography.
The story, is about criminals wanting to make money, believe it or not. I'm about 0.0001% through the game so thats all I can surmise. And we're not playing Grand Theft Auto for the delicate prose anyway. I like how all 'sandbox' games, as in games where you are free to roam around the world doing as you please, are all centred around stealing cars and being a rampant murderer. You are free to do anything you want, go travelling, meet a lady, whatever you like. So naturally, everyone who plays immediately carjacks the nearest senior citizen and squashes their skull under the wheels. Saying that video games cause people to act violently is like saying socks cause people to have feet (I'm looking at my socks if you can't tell). We evolved from/still are blood thirsty primates, we just wear shoes and socks and manage not to rip people's faces off and eat them most of the time. Until we play Grand Theft Auto.
However Rockstar like to pretend this is not the case. The very first mission is full of shooting and blood, however the consequent missions are another story. So far I've driven a tow truck (for towing purposes), been told to get a haircut, been invited to watch TV with my aunt and other activities that are dangerously close to resembling real life. I'm sure things will get satisfyingly violent soon enough but for now it feels like I'm playing the Sims. When my character (or actual self) hangs himself from a ceiling fan or gets killed in a grease fire I'll know I'm playing the Sims. I really hate the Sims.
I'm pretty sure this will be the last GTA in this format. Here are my predictions for the next GTA.
- It will involve some incarnation of VR hardware, such as the Oculus Rift / Omni Treadmill.
- The map / world will be a snapshot of the real world, taken from the next Google / NSA all seeing eye camera.
- This will be the last GTA, or possibly last game ever, because no one will stop playing it as long as our feeding tubes are in and our mechanical overlords are satisfied with their new power source.
Speaking of simulated realities, have you heard of Simulation Theory? The idea is that because we will eventually make a simulated reality that is indiscernible from actual reality, it is much more likely that we are in one of the infinite amount of simulations as opposed to the only one actual reality. So maybe we are the imagination of a futuristic race that explored the universe to its full extent, got bored and wiped its memory then reincarnated itself in a simulation for its cosmic entertainment. Oh wait I was doing a video game review right? Yeah GTA 5 is great, what did you expect?
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