Blood Nose

- My Review of a Blood Nose I got -

I had this killer blood nose the other week.

Who the fuck gets blood noses? Nerds. That’s who. Just from standing around.

But then a few weeks ago I was looking at my fingers, and there were these brown splotches all over them. And I’m like, woah, that’s blood. Then I wiped my face and I had a solid nose bleed. It had been bleeding so long parts had dried up.

And I was around, lots of people. I asked somebody why no one told me I has a nose bleed. And they were like “oh we thought you knew”. It was then I realised I was that guy. He’s so far gone you just assume the nosebleed is part of his thing. Like the crusty homeless guy mutilating himself, he’s just best left alone. And that is fucking true. Best left alone. Let them figure it out. If they don’t make it, well hey, at least they hire hotel rooms when they hang themselves. They don’t just leave themselves to rot away for needless, expensive, inconsiderate decades. Its time to go hunting old man. You won’t need to bring food.

But then others make shit happen, like those who are reading or writing this. Booyakasha.

The Monuments Men

I’ll break down the plotline for you. One day George Clooney wants to rescue art. So, he goes and rescues art. His friend gets shot, George Clooney sad, but rescues more art. Then he turns into a Hobbit (more on this later).

Monument men looks like a war movie, but is not a war movie. This is an old man talking about how important culture is movie. If culture is so important to you, why don’t you fucking make some? Monuments Men is a collection of scenes, all comprised of Hollywood’s most likeable and non-threatening middle aged male actors, posing and looking cute in world war two costumes. These are sandwiched in between George Clooney repeating ‘I know is just art but art important Hitler bad man goddammit’ ad nauseum.

Not to mention, the whole movie is a watered down version of The Simpson’s Hellfish Bonanza episode. Except not as funny or exciting, and with much more two dimensional characters. The Americans are the heroes, the English are nice chaps but would much prefer to write a letter or have a cup of tea than shoot anybody. The Frenchmen are rude cowards, the women perfumed soaked jezebels. The Germans and Russians are moustache twirling cartoon villains, all cartoonishly evil. I suspect the target demographic of Monument Men is actual survivors of World War 2.

If you are looking for a movie to watch with your great grandmother, who has just gotten out of brain surgery, is very easily offended, hasn’t seen that many Simpsons episodes, and likes Hobbits, this is probably a bit too vanilla for her.

* The Hobbit thing; there's a bit at the end where they show George Clooney in the future as an old man chuffing about art some more, but the guy is like four feet tall and looks nothing like him. The End.

An actual still from the movie. 

HER

HER

I saw this at the movies. The cin-ema. Specifically Nova in Carlton, Melbourne.

What the fuck is with this place? First up, to buy tickets, you need to be nowhere near the actual
cinema. You need to embark on an epic quest to find the ticket counter, hidden behind a book shop and underneath a staircase. Wave as you pass Harry Potter's old bedroom. Maybe this was a clever marketing tactic to get people excited to see the Hobbit. Maybe not though, cos I don't want to see the Hobbit.

THEN at the ticket counter, after slaying the dragon or whatever, they don't take eftpos. What kind of fucking world is this. The tickets are already exorbitantly priced, just factor in another three cents for whatever the eftpos costs. Are you avoiding paying taxes? Well fucking factor your tax dodging in to the ticket costs. Or the beer costs. Oh, another thing. The beer. I got a beer, a Heineken I think - and the writing on the bottle was Israeli. Or Hebrew. Nothing wrong with that, but goddammit nine dollars for a beer, can it at least not be from the middle east? I mean ze Jews are great at many things, but I'm not sure beer brewing is one of them. I can pretty much taste the blood of Palestinian children in my Heiny. Alright enough.

HER is really beautiful. The colours, the pacing, Spike Jonze is a real master at making cool films that
aren't up their arse trying to be cool. It works because all of the elements have a purpose, the
film is stylish but not for the sake of being stylish. The hipstery (for lack of a better word obviously)
theme makes sense, HER is set slightly in the future so the 30's clothing scheme fits with human's cyclical clothing trends, etc.

Despite the beauty, HER's main question is what da fuq is going to happen when AI comes along. Jonze goes with a very believable response, people will try and rub their genitals on it. Joaquin Phoenix's character Theo, gets into a relationship with his OS (Operating system), HER goes in to the ins and outs of being in a relationship with a digital mind. There are cute parts, where they take each other on little adventures, try and fuck using a surrogate woman, and there are the nasty parts, where Theo finds out his computer lady has been less faithful, and him coming to terms with the fact he is punching well above his intellectual weight.

I guess HER lands as sort of a mix between Juno and Space Odyssey 2001, except no space travel or pregnant teens. Another down side, I didn't really buy the fact Theo doesn't own some kind of futuristic space Fleshlight, that would vacuum the nasty out of him light years better than any flesh woman could.

All in all, very good, great soundtrack, go see.